U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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