Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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