he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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