My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
