then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
