Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
