just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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