so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
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