So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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