I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
