I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
well I can't set my house on fire every night
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
