The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
