i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
