I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
