Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
You're like the curious george of whores
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
