i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
im holly from the hills drunk
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
