So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
