We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
