If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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