Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
