I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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