I could make wine with my vomit
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Randomize
