Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
