I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
