I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
