i don't like sucking hair
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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