Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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