She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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