My underwear smells like fireworks.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
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