Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
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