"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
