Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
