you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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