I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
