Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Is it penis luge time yet?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
