Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
