dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
