We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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