No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
