That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
