you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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