the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
My penis needs a shock collar
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
