my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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