Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
