Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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