just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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