i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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