Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
