Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
