Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
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