Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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