I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
