I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
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