Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
