dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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