I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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