Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
